The road has been long and rocky.
My heart feels numb, weary from it all. For the first time in my life I look forward in anticipation at nothing.
For as long as I can remember, whether blissfully happy or in a rough spot, there was always the anticipation of something coming. Maybe it was as simple as a vacation, or as wonderful as the birth of a child.
Even when without a specific event before me, there was always something to hope or strive for. I was a dreamer. I was a planner.
I lived for tomorrow.
The death of that person left me lost, empty, unsure.
God meets me here, in this place of emptiness.
I find myself in new territory.
Reading my Bible, without my usual quest for understanding. The need to make sense of every word, sucked out. Just reading the words, over and over; simply knowing God is God.
Maybe, for the first time, I know what being still is.
Be still, and know that I am God.
Maybe it takes having nothing left of who I was to see who He is.
The certainty that was my family, is now certainty that He never fails. The (perceived) rock of my marriage, is now knowledge that He is my rock. The pride of thinking I was pretty good, is now realizing that only He is good.
Only He belongs on a pedestal -nothing else will ever measure up.
Husband, money, children, a home, a lifestyle, myself… anything else put up there will disappoint, because it was never meant to be on that pedestal.
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 40: 1-3
In the darkness, God has heard my cry. Looking back over the last months I can say with certainty that He’s made my steps secure. Now I just have to trust him for tomorrow’s steps.
I haven’t found that new song yet. But, I have faith that it is coming. And I’m so thankful that God is patient with me, as I struggle to give him the trust he deserves.
When that song comes, you can believe I’ll be singing it from the rooftops.