The Death of a Dreamer

The road has been long and rocky.

My heart feels numb, weary from it all. For the first time in my life I look forward in anticipation at nothing.

For as long as I can remember, whether blissfully happy or in a rough spot, there was always the anticipation of something coming. Maybe it was as simple as a vacation, or as wonderful as the birth of a child.

Even when without a specific event before me, there was always something to hope or strive for. I was a dreamer. I was a planner.

I lived for tomorrow.

Death of a Dreamer
© Galyna Andrushko / Dollar Photo Club

The death of that person left me lost, empty, unsure.

God meets me here, in this place of emptiness.

I find myself in new territory.

Reading my Bible, without my usual quest for understanding. The need to make sense of every word, sucked out. Just reading the words, over and over; simply knowing God is God.

Maybe, for the first time, I know what being still is.

Be still, and know that I am God.

Psalm 46:10

Maybe it takes having nothing left of who I was to see who He is.

The certainty that was my family, is now certainty that He never fails. The (perceived) rock of my marriage, is now knowledge that He is my rock. The pride of thinking I was pretty good, is now realizing that only He is good.

Only He belongs on a pedestal -nothing else will ever measure up.

Husband, money, children, a home, a lifestyle, myself… anything else put up there will disappoint, because it was never meant to be on that pedestal.

 

I waited patiently for the Lord;

he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction,

out of the miry bog,

and set my feet upon a rock,

making my steps secure.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a song of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear,

and put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40: 1-3

 

In the darkness, God has heard my cry. Looking back over the last months I can say with certainty that He’s made my steps secure. Now I just have to trust him for tomorrow’s steps.

I haven’t found that new song yet. But, I have faith that it is coming. And I’m so thankful that God is patient with me, as I struggle to give him the trust he deserves.

When that song comes, you can believe I’ll be singing it from the rooftops.

 

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13 Comments

  1. I have always been a dreamer. Some days I feel I need to be way more organized and focused. My life path isn’t quite what I thought it would be but I have faith everything happens for a reason.

  2. My mind is blown away. My heart is both crushed and filled. Oh, my daughter I would have given my life to prevent the death of your marriage, but alas–LIFE (people) cannot be controlled. As you so beautifully wrote, there is only one Rock–the One who did give His life for you (for us). I hope and pray God will help you find your song. I know that He will. When the time is right He will give you the song.
    “But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son.” Galatians 4:4a (ESV)

  3. You will find your way. There is a light at the end of that long darkness. I have been where you are (for different reasons), and God will hold you up while you find you next dream. Trust me it is coming. Until then take it a second at a time.

  4. Such an inspiring post. Sorry for your loss, and am glad you can find comfort in such a special way.

  5. In different ways, I have struggled with losing my “dreamer”. You will sing again and it will be a song made more perfect by the pain and struggles that you have endured. You are right that God will be there at every turn and question. I wish you many new happy dreams to come.
    Traci

  6. My heart breaks for you and your family. I too feel like I’m in a holding pattern of sorts. While reading your post, I couldn’t help but think of Psalm 130:5-6

    I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait,
    And in His word do I hope.
    6 My soul waits for the Lord
    More than the watchmen for the morning;
    Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning.

    One of my very favorites.

  7. I just came across your blog recently and want you to know I am praying for you during this time in your life. You don’t know me, but we are sisters in the Lord. I pray you find comfort, peace, and rest in our Savior. Our dreams are sometimes shattered like broken pottery, but God is there holding us and molding us into something even better than before.
    Hugs and prayers! ♡
    Emily

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