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Happy Anniversary to Me…

It’s just unfathomable that I am here, single, on my 14th anniversary. But, I guess no one goes into marriage expecting to fail.

14 years agoWhat would I tell that young woman about what she would face? Would I tell her to run? Probably.
my 6

I know that without my marriage I wouldn’t be blessed with this beautiful crew- but I also wouldn’t be a single mom. And I wouldn’t have children facing life in a broken family.

I can’t fathom walking away from a marriage… a family. But, the reality is that both people have to make the choice everyday to honor that commitment, to choose love, to work at it even on the days we don’t feel like it.

I guess most of us go into marriage thinking it will always be easy to love and cherish our spouse. Of course we hear marriage is work, but that’s hard to believe when young and in love and so ready to start life together. I thought when hard times came we would get through them together, when at the time, I couldn’t even imagine it being hard- either life in general, or marriage. I know that as a 20-year-old bride I just knew we’d be together forever, I wouldn’t have considered otherwise. Even more so, as a 33-year-old wife I still thought the same thing!

But, there were, of course, hard days and hard times. Life isn’t easy- neither is marriage. At 12 years of marriage, several hard times had come, but I thought by then we’d proven we would always be a team. I’m still amazed at how that can suddenly go up in smoke.

Today, I face beginning year 15 of marriage, technically still a wife, but in reality a single mom. I am broken; I am sad; I am angry;  I am scared. But I am also hopeful. It’s time to resolve to the fact that he’s gone. In the last 18 months, I did everything I could to win him back, to make it work, to show him that we were worth fighting for, now its time to turn that energy to preparing for the future as a single mom of half-a-dozen kids.

There are so many loose ends to tie up, decisions to make, so many uncertainties. But, after I wade through those I get to begin a stable life with this crew. And after this year of uncertainty and broken promises, moving on sounds like a wonderful thing.

 

 

 

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22 Comments

  1. Amanda, you are still the beautiful young lady who walked the aisle those several years ago. Wiser, more aware and more loved than ever. Those munchkins are you; formed in you, nurtured by you, held by you and most of all…loved by you. They love you in return unconditionally, individually, collectively and very dependent. God has given to you unique blessings straight from His heart.
    You had no plans to raise them as a single mom. God knows your heart and He also knows the plans He has for you and for each child that He has placed in your womb. No weapon formed can defeat His plans for you. There will ALWAYS be bumps in the road; that’s why God talks with us about going through the valley of the shadow of death. Realize that He has promised that he will be right there with you.
    Your parents are there for you; you and those children will never be neglected. Remember, they are still your parents who love and cherish you and those kids.
    Do you recall the many nights we watched the volcano in Guatemala? Each night large volumes of lava flowed from it and the slopes. But it never destroyed the mountain nor the land. You are not going to be destroyed by this eruption either. Just as the lava built up the land, you will be built up by this.
    Know that Brenda and I love you, think of how you touched us and love you much.

  2. Today I am proud of you. Happy New Anniversary to you and your family. I wish you all the best for the future!

  3. I don’t know you, Amanda. However, I just want to say that I am so, so sorry. I am praying for you, and your precious children, as you press forward on this journey.

  4. This road has been and will continue to be a difficult one (at least for a while). You have done all you could do to try to save your marriage. It takes two to make a marriage work and it’s obvious only one has been trying for quite some time. With the help of God, friends and family, I’m confident you and the children will get through this. You and the children are loved by so many. You have been and will be prayed for by hundreds of people. God will bless you and the children. He can pull them through this and make them godly men and women who will follow His plan for their lives.
    I love you!

    Dennis, Thank you for your wonderful word to my daughter.

  5. As a single mom (only of one though), I can tell you take a couple days and completely break down. You need it. Then you push that aside and become twice the woman and mother. Show your kids what a strong woman is. It isn’t easy at all but it is doable. I wish you peace and patience!

  6. Amanda, I am so sorry that you have had to go through the pain that has been inflected on you by someone that you loved unconditionally. I have seen the pain and hurt on your face and seen the numbness when the pain was too much to bear. I believe God has now brought you to a point that He is saying it is time to close this chapter and it is time for you to find joy and peace in life as a single mother raising six precious angles. Please concentrate on how blessed you are…. you have an amazing family whose support is unending. You have a church family that is there for you and your family. You have friends that are only a phone call away. Mainly you have a Heavenly Father that will NEVER fail. I don’t know why bad things happen, I know God didn’t do this nor was this His plan, this pain was caused by human irresponsibility and weakness but I know without doubt that He has walked and will walk every step with you and you will be the stronger and better person for it. Many people, myself included, have marveled at the faith, forgiveness and strength you have shown as you have walked through this unimaginable chapter of your life. God will use you as an inspiration to others. Blessings and peace my friend. We are all here for you and your sweet family.

  7. Amanda
    You have something that so many don’t have – you have strong faith in God and you are walking the talk. I have only known you and your family a short while, but you and the rest of your entire family has touched my family in a special way. Things are going to be okay because God is the One in ultimate control. ❤️

  8. Amanda,
    I would love to talk to you. You are such a wonderful mom. Beautiful inside and out. I have walked in your shoes not so many years ago. I am very hopeful for you! You have a great attitude. Look me up on facebook and I will send you my phone # in a private message.
    Love to you and your family,
    Lynn

  9. Dear Lady,
    My seven were older, married longer, but same story. Recovery is long, difficult and lonely at times, but I rediscovered me and realize that four years later I am better than he left me. Hang in there and know that you can conquer anything. It is not your weakness or failure, but the shortcomings of those you trusted. Do it for your kids, but also do it for you.

  10. Amanda, praying for you and your family. Not sure if you still have your gmail account but I recently sent an email of encouragement. You are an amazing momma and your children are lucky to have you!! One thing in this post really struck a chord w me, the part where you said you tried to show him that you all are worth fighting for…let me tell you, you are!!! This is his loss and he will have to live with his choices. Yes, turn your energy towards God and your children. Again, sending up prayers!! Xo

  11. Hi Amanda,
    I have never met you, but I use to attend Church with your Mom & Dad when I lived in NC. Brenda and I are now connected on Facebook. I went through a divorce 9 years ago , but I did not have the courage ( wish I did) to share openly with anyone. You are a very brave & strong woman and I can say your blog has give me more strength , hope & the realization that it is time for me to stop looking back and move forward with my life. Thanks so much for sharing, you have a beautiful family and I know God will continue to bless you.
    Take care,

  12. Oh how my heart breaks for you but I can encourage you. My mother was married 24 years and most of that time she was a single parent because my dad was busy running around. She stayed faithful to God and even though they divorced God took care of her and us. I’ll be praying for you and your family. God please wrap this family in your arms and lead them into a great future. I am always here if you need. I have a private message section on my blog.

  13. Amanda, I am so grateful to have a Father in heaven to lean on when reading this … Because I know he will take care of you, what a blessing that is. We are baffled and saddened for you here in NY… How this sin fractured world could swallow up Rob and lead him astray from you and those beautiful children is horrific. Paul has always looked at your family with so much admiration from the days of the police academy… If you ever need anything (I know we are far) but we are here for you. Covering you in prayer and strength! Your an incredible mom, you inspire me! Love the skis

  14. Amanda, I have walked down the path that you are walking. I didn’t have the courage or the faith you have. My son, Jason, was only 11. He was my main focus. I kept trying to fix things when for the first time I was truly on my own . I had my Church, my family but I chose to hide. It’s been 12 years and my beautiful precious son is just fine. And you know what, I’m still learning. You have the finest parents, sister and children and your church family. I love you and your family very much. I know you have tried and tried Sweetheart. And as much as it hurts, you will get thru this. You take the time to grieve then pick yourself up. God will be by your side every step of the way. You’ve already taken step one by telling your story. And I’m proud of you because I didn’t have that courage. You are a fine person. I know you haven’t seen me at Church and once again I’m facing yet another bump in the road with my Mom this time. I’m trying to learn how to deal with Alzeheimers. But I’m here if you ever want to talk. Take my advice and hold your head up high and know that you did everything you could!!! I love you Sweetheart!

  15. Amanda….you don’t know me….but I attend HGBC north campus and your dad provided premarital counseling to me and my husband Greg….now over 10 yrs ago. So I have followed your parents and their family happenings for a long time….love them both dearly. I share these thoughts with you as a sister in Christian who has experienced similar heartbreak years ago…no children involved. …but the personal devastation and shattered dreams of all I had imagined for my life were perhaps similar to your experience now…..I am so thankful you are surrounded by strong supporting relationships as they will carry you in many moments. More than this however…you will realize that the Heavenly Father will be your steady Rock….he will guide your steps…provide in miraculous ways for you and your precious children….He will meet your every need…..I encourage you to dive deeper and deeper in His Word…He will provide you joy in this journey….”Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”….many prayers and blessings. ..Pam

  16. I am sorry that you have had to go through such a difficult time. Know that you and your family are in my prayers. I know that God will bless and provide for you. He always stands beside us in our time of struggle and picks us up when we are too tired to walk on our own. I pray He will give you strength and wisdom as you go through this life without a husband to help you. I know He is faithful to get you through. – Tony

  17. Hey Amanda,
    It’s been a long time, you may barely remember me. I just read this beautiful and heart breaking post and am so sorry to hear. I happened through some of your older posts and want to remind you of what a wise woman once said,
    “I have a renewed faith that God is working for our best even when I can’t see it…God has given me blessing after blessing throughout my lifetime, but after a tough year it was easy to lose sight of those past answered prayers…I pray that the next time we face setback and disappointment I will remember this perfectly planned and timed blessing while letting go of my worry and embracing trust and hope.”
    As we have faced the abandonment of family members who have chosen their God given “Free will” for the worst, not the best, it’s so hard to remember your perspective above, but I didn’t feel like coming upon those words at THIS time was an accident and wanted to remind you that you have faced uncertainty before, obviously this feels bigger, this feels “badder,” but the woman God made you, the parents God gave you, the children he sent you – those are all your daily reminders of His faithfulness to you even when someone else chooses poorly. May he wrap you in His tender and loving arms. May he strengthen you and help you and uphold you with His righteous right hand. Is. 41:10.

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